Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Before I had a baby......

I recently watched a hilarious video of a comedian talking about people with kids versus without. It got me thinking of all the things I used to do before I had a baby versus now. I believe it looks a little something like this.

Before I had a baby, I wore my bikini to the pool to bask in the glow of the sun, accompanied by a fruity adult beverage, perhaps even with a little umbrella........now, my glow comes from a bottle, I wear a and hat to cover my face as to avoid wrinkling and use a anti-aging cream to pretend it's helping and I roll up with a sippy cup and basket of toys chasing a kid who just wants to run around and not actually get in the pool.

Before I had a baby, I went to my OBGYN, wait, GYN, without a care in the world other than making sure I had showered before my visit......now, I go with at least 1, if not 2 of 3 children in tow, and hide them behind the curtain sitting on the bench where I've hidden my panties, watching a movie only to have one pop out just as the invasive procedure begins and say "PEEK-A-BOO!".....bet they're scarred for life now.

And on that note.....

Before I had a baby, I showered. Like, daily......now, I'm lucky if I squeeze in a quick bath twice a week. And if I plan it correctly, the shower gets its weekly, monthly clean while I'm in there. I mean it's all about time management.

Before I had a baby, I ate a meal. Sitting in peace with the company of a friend or family member......now I eat standing in the kitchen taking bites in between cleaning up from the dishes that are piled up in the sink or coming back to me from the kitchen table. How did I miss the sit down portion? But I don't fret, I like to think this is a new form of weight loss to exercise and move while eating.

Before I had a baby, I went to the gym for a good heart pounding, sweat inducing workout and left feeling like I can wear anything that evening when I went out for a cocktail......now, I go to work off the wine I consume, again with 1 or 2 kids in tow only to be paged because "your kid is screaming" and return to class and remember I should have peed on my way back in, which we call mommy bladder, then return to class to be paged about a kid who has now pooped and needs changing and finally join the class at the end for claps praising the teacher for a great class. Wait, its over? The only sweat I broke was running back and forth between the class and the kids area.

Before I had a baby I had my hair and nails done. Every 6 weeks as recommended for hair and 2 as recommended for nails......now my long luscious locks as I like to think they are, are "growing out" not because I want long hair but more so the fact that there is no time for a salon visit and my manicure is purple paint on one hand and green on the other provided by a 7 and 5 year old.

Before I had a baby I spent my money as I wished.....now we spend a small fortune each year on these little money suckers visiting every Doctor known to man and because the said visit or procedure was so traumatizing we then spend more on the cool smoothie drink that was promised as a bribe and a stop off at the local big box store to hit up the dollar bin and all is then right in their world.

And before I had a baby, I slept. No need for further explanation here.

Before I had a baby, I had a life of my own, now, this is my life......and I wouldn't have it any other way. But I just want to thank the smelly lotion gods for making a line that will cover up the way I surely smell from the lack of bathing, and the scientist behind the glow in a bottle, and the wine makers. Oh how I thank the wine makers from the bottom of my non-exercised heart. At least I know I'm in good company at every play date I attend with other moms rocking the yoga pants because they're comfortable, not because we're actually "yogi's". And on that note, it's time to head off to yet another doctor for yet another money draining visit and I haven't sprinkled my hair with baby powder to cover the grease yet.....so I bid you adieu.

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