Monday, January 28, 2013

What is it about illnesses that make you want to run for the hills? We had a doozie of a, they think, virus last week that hit us hard! The Instigator broke out in hives something fierce. Thankfully, it has left us. So yesterday, they begged to play outside. I think to myself, sure you need some good ole vitamin D and quite frankly, momma needs some alone time (wait, did I just say alone? HA, I'm funny) I sent them outside to play with all the neighborhood kids. Which, by the way, rocks. Things were going great until....scene 1, take 1.

Rylee enters stage left. "MOMMY!!!"

Me: "shhhhh the baby is SLEEEping!!!! WHAT do you need?"

Rylee: in some kind of micro machine man speed talk "!!!!"

Me: "Were you invited?"

Rylee: "No, but I want to go"

Me: "Well, no, not if you weren't invited.

Rylee: "Ok, I think I was."

Me: with a puzzled look on my face "you just said you weren't?!?!"

Rylee: "well I think I was"

Me: "I don't think so. Their mom isn't home, it's their nanny and did they say do you want to come over"

Rylee: return of the micro machine speed voice "'t.I.go?"

And at this point I can no longer correctly quote because it all happened so fast. All I know is that there was some feet stomping as if she was auditioning for a college stomp group, some screaming, some crying and even.....wait for it.....some shoe throwing. Now, I'm all for a good cry, but this was utterly and inappropriately ridiculous. I literally had no words. I just stood there thinking, where do I go from here? I try to gain my composure and use all of my Mom power to say to myself "Alison, don't go there, she's 6, you're 29 and holding"......but to my surprise, the stomp audition continued, and no, it was not impressive. Suddenly crazy took over, the mom finger in the face came out, you know the one, the one that points right at you and shakes in your face, and I lost my cool. I took her by the arm and CRAP, her Daddy is doing a project in her room, the baby is sleeping next door, where do I drag this child for timeout? She got put into her sister's room with a "you DARE wake that baby and you're in here the rest of the day!" I shut the door and stood in the hallway. Where do I go? What do I do? I don't even know what just happened here. My adrenaline was going, quiet whimpers ensue and then I think, where is the other troublemaker......AT THE NEIGHBORS HOUSE! The Silent Assassin didn't even bother to come ask, she just did. Doh. All this for nothing. Needless to say she was retrieved, baths started and bed was early.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Dog days of winter....

I'm normally not one to divulge this information, but I feel safe knowing I am surrounded by law enforcement on my street. Dave went hunting, his first deer hunting trip and I.....well, I'm playing single mom. I give the biggest props to single moms because I'm dying here. Last night was a cake walk compared to today. We played outside, rode bikes, enjoyed the neighbors company, even had a sleepover in our bed and lights were out and all were asleep by 9:30, myself included. But then......
After a month of sleeping until at least 6:30, usually later, the newest lil DeStefano decides 5 am is a good wake up call on a Saturday. I quietly did what I could as to keep the others asleep. Why, I don't know, because they certainly weren't kind to me kicking, pushing and sitting up in the bed talking and screaming in their sleep, half giving me a heart attack. ALL.NIGHT.LONG. But hey, I chose to have the sleepover, so my bad. Finally, we get up for the day. And this next part is somewhat hazy as I went from one thing to the other. But here it goes....
I first started by wiping a bottom, not mine, for one who had a bit of a problem if you get my drift. And her drift that early in the morning was not what I wanted. I followed that up by going to brush my teeth only to see my sweet dog Zach sliding around on the tile floor on some type of liquid. I know I haven't dripped water, so I look and what, what's that? Oh, just Jeter peeing on my comforter, stepping in it, jumping down off the bed to pee some more on the carpet and walk it all over the tile in the bathroom. I get that cleaned up, except the comforter because I have no clue how it's going to be cleaned only to discover the damn dog is now vomiting, all over my Pottery Barn dining room rug. Now, I walk in there slowly as to now scare the friggin SHIT Tzu because I learned my lesson last week chasing Zach around as he's throwing up, it only made things worse and my entire living room was christened. I say come on Jeter, calmly (or as calm as I could with that dog) and he then runs to the foyer to vomit some more. WONDERFUL. As I walk him through the living room.....holy heck what is that stinch? I toss Jeter outside, ok I didn't literally toss him, don't want PETA flagging my posts.....I come back in and the baby is whining. Hmmm, stinch found. I pick her up and she's wet. I can handle that. We go to change and Mother Mary it's a blowout. Clothes and all. Bottom wipe, not mine, #2. Well, technically #3 since I did The Silent Assassin twice. Folks. This all happened before 9 am and before coffee.
All I have to say here is that I hope you enjoyed a good laugh at my expense. Because I'm not laughing. And I have now duly noted this so that when I say "babe, momma is going out" I can recall this day and remind him about how well deserved my few hours away will be. I will survive the next 24 hours, I will survive the next 24 hours, I will survive......lather, rinse, repeat.