Thursday, January 27, 2011

Goodbye Sweet Angel

It's been a while, but then again, we have not exactly had a "normal" schedule around here. I am posting to get my feelings out. Somewhere, somehow, I need to vent. I am sitting here typing from bed as I rest and heal physically from a surgery and emotionally from a loss. We lost another baby. And although it was early on, it still hurts, again. I'm at loss for why we would have to endure this pain again, but I know that He has bigger plans for us. This pregnancy was a surprise baby #3. The pregnancy was a rough start and I had a feeling from the beginning that something wasn't right. The same feeling I had with our other loss. I wished I didn't have that feeling, but I did. Things seemed to turn around after several rounds of bloodwork, so we got excited and told our daughters. They were ecstatic. We even filmed their reaction. We should have waited, but wanted to share our excitement. Monday I had a routine ultrasound, which turned into a necessary one after days of pain and some other issues. Once we got to the Doctor and they told me my blood results from the previous week, I knew something was wrong. I didn't even have to see the ultrasound. There was no baby, or at least not in the right spot. We found out it was ectopic. My heart sank. This baby, who was a surprise, and so wanted, was being taken away from us. Why would we be handed a blessing only to have it taken away? I'll never understand. I know others have been through this, and close friends who have endured worse pain than an early loss like this, but it doesn't make it less real. It was a baby. Our baby. And it's gone to heaven to be with our other angel baby. Tuesday I went through surgery. I have three incisions much bigger than I thought they would be. I'm physically healing, but emotionally I'm a wreck. I'm so grateful for the two beautiful daughters that we have. I know so many people aren't even blessed with that. I have hugged them more tightly than ever. But my heart truly is broken. I know in time it will heal, but I feel that I will always feel a little incomplete. We have sent two babies to heaven and I so longed to just meet them. One day I will. Our oldest daughter said the baby went to heaven to see the cat that passed away years ago. Such a sweet little heart she has. I don't post this for sympathy, just to get it off my chest. I will come out stronger in the end, but my heart does ache. Maybe God will bless us again, maybe He won't. Until then, I just pray and send my two angels all my love.