Before I had a baby......

I recently watched a hilarious video of a comedian talking about people with kids versus without. It got me thinking of all the things I used to do before I had a baby versus now. I believe it looks a little something like this.

Before I had a baby, I wore my bikini to the pool to bask in the glow of the sun, accompanied by a fruity adult beverage, perhaps even with a little umbrella........now, my glow comes from a bottle, I wear a and hat to cover my face as to avoid wrinkling and use a anti-aging cream to pretend it's helping and I roll up with a sippy cup and basket of toys chasing a kid who just wants to run around and not actually get in the pool.

Before I had a baby, I went to my OBGYN, wait, GYN, without a care in the world other than making sure I had showered before my visit......now, I go with at least 1, if not 2 of 3 children in tow, and hide them behind the curtain sitting on the bench where I've hidden my panties, watching a movie only to have one pop out just as the invasive procedure begins and say "PEEK-A-BOO!".....bet they're scarred for life now.

And on that note.....

Before I had a baby, I showered. Like, daily......now, I'm lucky if I squeeze in a quick bath twice a week. And if I plan it correctly, the shower gets its weekly, monthly clean while I'm in there. I mean it's all about time management.

Before I had a baby, I ate a meal. Sitting in peace with the company of a friend or family member......now I eat standing in the kitchen taking bites in between cleaning up from the dishes that are piled up in the sink or coming back to me from the kitchen table. How did I miss the sit down portion? But I don't fret, I like to think this is a new form of weight loss to exercise and move while eating.

Before I had a baby, I went to the gym for a good heart pounding, sweat inducing workout and left feeling like I can wear anything that evening when I went out for a cocktail......now, I go to work off the wine I consume, again with 1 or 2 kids in tow only to be paged because "your kid is screaming" and return to class and remember I should have peed on my way back in, which we call mommy bladder, then return to class to be paged about a kid who has now pooped and needs changing and finally join the class at the end for claps praising the teacher for a great class. Wait, its over? The only sweat I broke was running back and forth between the class and the kids area.

Before I had a baby I had my hair and nails done. Every 6 weeks as recommended for hair and 2 as recommended for nails......now my long luscious locks as I like to think they are, are "growing out" not because I want long hair but more so the fact that there is no time for a salon visit and my manicure is purple paint on one hand and green on the other provided by a 7 and 5 year old.

Before I had a baby I spent my money as I wished.....now we spend a small fortune each year on these little money suckers visiting every Doctor known to man and because the said visit or procedure was so traumatizing we then spend more on the cool smoothie drink that was promised as a bribe and a stop off at the local big box store to hit up the dollar bin and all is then right in their world.

And before I had a baby, I slept. No need for further explanation here.

Before I had a baby, I had a life of my own, now, this is my life......and I wouldn't have it any other way. But I just want to thank the smelly lotion gods for making a line that will cover up the way I surely smell from the lack of bathing, and the scientist behind the glow in a bottle, and the wine makers. Oh how I thank the wine makers from the bottom of my non-exercised heart. At least I know I'm in good company at every play date I attend with other moms rocking the yoga pants because they're comfortable, not because we're actually "yogi's". And on that note, it's time to head off to yet another doctor for yet another money draining visit and I haven't sprinkled my hair with baby powder to cover the grease yet.....so I bid you adieu.

Goodbye give me, hello respect

So, I've been saying for far too long now a bunch of "next time's" and "from now on's" and it has gotten me no where. Overall, we have some pretty good kiddos. Perhaps, however, with a little bit too much of a sense of entitlement. In this day of technology, I'm all for them learning and playing games, and so far we don't have an addiction, but the give me's and I want's are out of control. We found ourselves on a road trip quite some time ago with them and I had packed everything. Nabis. Iphones. DS's. Leapsters. Vreaders. Ipads. Crayons. Books. You name it, it was there. And one hour into the trip, with all of these things, plus an in car DVD player these children had the audacity to say......are you ready? "I'm BORED!" I think I lost it and channeled my parents and shouted "You don't KNOW bored! When I was your age I looked out the window! I played the ABC game!", to which of course I had to explain this said ABC game. Now, like I said this was some time ago, so my fault for letting it get to this point, and for giving giving giving. But the buck stops here and now. Summer 2013. Camp DeStefano commenced. So, what better than chores. They've been doing them, but not regularly and I wasn't consistent. My biggest fail. Consistency. I got myself on pinterest, oh pinterest, my love hate relationship....and I searched "chore charts". Sure, I could go print some easy ones, but then I'd have to continue printing each week and let's be honest, I went into labor saving a tree, so I thought there has to be some way to just re-use it each week. I didn't like all the store bought ones because they don't always fit our needs. So tada! I made one. Pinterest inspired me and off to Michael's I went. Here it is and what you need, nothing fancy, but fun.

FAMILY letters complete with hooks:

4 Burlap bags and sparkly letters. One bag for To Do and one bag for Complete, for each girl:

One excited chore go'er to glue on letters:

And the finished product desperately seeking some chores to insert in each letter bag:

And voila! Now the Banker and I need to come up with the age appropriate chores for them and the rewards. He recently spoke to the first grade classes about banking and what he does. He mentioned many of the kids were earning a lot of money. So with one obsessed with Justice clothing and one who loves Starbucks, yes I said Starbucks, these girls are going to learn the value of a dollar! And I will follow in my oh so wise Sister-in-law's footsteps. They will pay me if I have to do their chores. In her words "I should be paid for my time". GENIUS. Fingers crossed, wish us luck.

We took a swing on the hammock....

I became a stay at home Mom almost a year ago. It's been an amazing, fun, but fast year. My baby is nearly 9 months, the middle child is 4 1/2 and my oldest is 7ish. When did all of this happen? I've had a really hard time with The Instigator turning 7 this year for some odd reason. Which always makes me realize how old the other two are as well. So it got me thinking, did I use this year wisely? I'm not sure that I honestly did. Man, how honest is that. Granted, I did have a baby and she wasn't the easiest until 5/6 months old. She was very time consuming, as most babies are, but add a side of medical issues and voila, time.gone. As I started to discuss Pre-K with The Banker, it occurred to me that although I really want her to go off to school next year, socialize, make friends, learn, play, etc, I would miss her! I have just one more precious year with her due to the way her birthday falls and I need to make the most of it.

We've all seen that email or Facebook message that has gone around. You know the one. The one to make you feel guiltier than a prostitute in church. The one that is CLEARLY a man writing "hey mom, I see you at the park on your phone" basically while her kids are run amuck. I mean, come on. Perhaps it was an emergency? Perhaps her husband was calling? Perhaps she was waiting on an important phone call from the pediatrician on the bazillionth test she's run on her poor baby? I don't know what she was doing, but she was on her phone and this "person" was pointing out how quickly her kids will grow up before her eyes while she's doing so. So regardless of the reason I'm on my phone, or ipad, or other device we all cannot live with out, I felt an overwhelming feeling of guilt reading to stupid article. So I decided I have got to use my time wisely.

Sophia has been begging to swing on the hammock. Recently I took her out and we swung and swung and swung to give Rylee some peace while doing homework. She thought it was the best thing since Team Umizoomi. Following that she asked daily and I always, always, had an excuse. It's too wet. It's too hot. The baby is awake. Yep, I was that Mom. The one feeling guilty about the darn phone and still not doing a thing about it. So, one morning we woke up, the hammock and grass were soaking wet, it was really hot and sunny following a rain which then meant humidity and we were still in our jammies. And guess what I did. We swung on the hammock! I took my phone only to snap a fun pic then tucked it away. We talked about clouds and school, shoot we even discussed the dog poop in the grass, but I had a blast. We were soaking wet when we got up and I didn't care at all. I realized, in this world of Pinterest Moms who appear to look like June Cleaver, I pin and pin and never do. So now is the time. To swing on the hammock, finally do all those crafts I pin then forget about, cook some dinners with them and let them make a mess (Ok so I will work on letting them make a mess) and spend the quality time that everyone says "flies by". I hope as school is getting out that you will join me. And join me because you want to, not because someone made you feel guilty or you're trying to outdo the Pinterest Mom who just pinned some outlandish crafty crapola that she did. Have fun!!

Badge of Honor? Malarkey

Recently I've read about having babies, motherhood, womanhood, neighborhood.....ok, not the last one, but I just wanted to say another hood. Anyhoo, I keep reading about a c-section scar and belly and it being some sort of "badge of honor" that I should wear proudly. Ummm, who wrote this bunch of bunk and where does she live? Before you get all offended on me and stop following my blog, let me just say I've put in my time. I have 5 babies. 3 here and 2 in heaven. I was on bedrest for a loooong 10 1/2 weeks with my 2nd, 4 weeks with my 3rd and had a good ole ectopic surgery that I paid my firstborn for in medical bills. And let's not forget all of the other fun stuff that comes along with pregnancy that I endured. So I can gladly say I MUCH prefer a "normal" birth over this c-section crap. I had mine in an emergency. EEEEEEmergency I say. I would never have done that willingly. Surely those stories about celebrities electing to do them are like a sasquatch.....non-existent. The cut is low, I give you that, but I'm about sick of the dunlop. You know, "my muffin top dunlops over my jeans". My expensive ass jeans that I worked so hard after baby numero dos to finally go out and purchase. And don't even get me started on my "skinny" jeans. And by that I don't mean the jeggings, I mean the ones you have to be in tip top shape to wear. Again, ones I waited to buy until I was SURE I was done having babies and in shape to buy. Joke's on me huh....God said "And let there be another baby (or two) muahahahahahaha!" Serves me right for spending an absurd amount of money on jeans. Wait, why am I even talking about jeans, it's friggin' April 5th. In Texas. I should be in flops and tanks. Oh but not today. Today was a brisk 30's. Which leads me, finally (I know know I'm rambling) into the point of my story. This kangaroo pouch. Someone, in the name of skinny jeans, please tell me my hard work will pay off and this gut will go away and I won't have to be one of those women who call this thing a badge of honor. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy I was able to have these babes and I wouldn't trade them for the world, but I'd like to have my cake and eat it too. Wait, I can't afford cake on my caloric intake. So, I'd like to have my raw veggies and eat them too. Babies AND a flat stomach again. It will happen. I must.......this bootcamp at 5:30am and these 4 mile runs cannot be in vain. It's hard freakin' work people. Stay tuned. We shall see. I took a picture of myself in my swimsuit in January when I started hitting the pavement hard again....no, it wasn't pretty and thankfully, nobody was around, but I did it because it keeps me going. Living in Texas I spend way too much time at the pool, and as our trainer says, you gotta look good walkin' away......so to you, lady who called this gut a badge of honor, I kindly say, not acceptable.

What is it about illnesses that make you want to run for the hills? We had a doozie of a, they think, virus last week that hit us hard! The Instigator broke out in hives something fierce. Thankfully, it has left us. So yesterday, they begged to play outside. I think to myself, sure you need some good ole vitamin D and quite frankly, momma needs some alone time (wait, did I just say alone? HA, I'm funny)....so I sent them outside to play with all the neighborhood kids. Which, by the way, rocks. Things were going great until....scene 1, take 1.

Rylee enters stage left. "MOMMY!!!"

Me: "shhhhh the baby is SLEEEping!!!! WHAT do you need?"

Rylee: in some kind of micro machine man speed talk "can.I.go.into.X.and.X.house.everyone.is.going.and.I.want.to.go.PLEEEEEEEASE!!!!"

Me: "Were you invited?"

Rylee: "No, but I want to go"

Me: "Well, no, not if you weren't invited.

Rylee: "Ok, I think I was."

Me: with a puzzled look on my face "you just said you weren't?!?!"

Rylee: "well I think I was"

Me: "I don't think so. Their mom isn't home, it's their nanny and did they say do you want to come over"

Rylee: return of the micro machine speed voice "no.but.I.want.to.go.everyone.else.is.why.can't.I.go?"

And at this point I can no longer correctly quote because it all happened so fast. All I know is that there was some feet stomping as if she was auditioning for a college stomp group, some screaming, some crying and even.....wait for it.....some shoe throwing. Now, I'm all for a good cry, but this was utterly and inappropriately ridiculous. I literally had no words. I just stood there thinking, where do I go from here? I try to gain my composure and use all of my Mom power to say to myself "Alison, don't go there, she's 6, you're 29 and holding"......but to my surprise, the stomp audition continued, and no, it was not impressive. Suddenly crazy took over, the mom finger in the face came out, you know the one, the one that points right at you and shakes in your face, and I lost my cool. I took her by the arm and CRAP, her Daddy is doing a project in her room, the baby is sleeping next door, where do I drag this child for timeout? She got put into her sister's room with a "you DARE wake that baby and you're in here the rest of the day!" I shut the door and stood in the hallway. Where do I go? What do I do? I don't even know what just happened here. My adrenaline was going, quiet whimpers ensue and then I think, where is the other troublemaker......AT THE NEIGHBORS HOUSE! The Silent Assassin didn't even bother to come ask, she just did. Doh. All this for nothing. Needless to say she was retrieved, baths started and bed was early.

Dog days of winter....

I'm normally not one to divulge this information, but I feel safe knowing I am surrounded by law enforcement on my street. Dave went hunting, his first deer hunting trip and I.....well, I'm playing single mom. I give the biggest props to single moms because I'm dying here. Last night was a cake walk compared to today. We played outside, rode bikes, enjoyed the neighbors company, even had a sleepover in our bed and lights were out and all were asleep by 9:30, myself included. But then......
After a month of sleeping until at least 6:30, usually later, the newest lil DeStefano decides 5 am is a good wake up call on a Saturday. I quietly did what I could as to keep the others asleep. Why, I don't know, because they certainly weren't kind to me kicking, pushing and sitting up in the bed talking and screaming in their sleep, half giving me a heart attack. ALL.NIGHT.LONG. But hey, I chose to have the sleepover, so my bad. Finally, we get up for the day. And this next part is somewhat hazy as I went from one thing to the other. But here it goes....
I first started by wiping a bottom, not mine, for one who had a bit of a problem if you get my drift. And her drift that early in the morning was not what I wanted. I followed that up by going to brush my teeth only to see my sweet dog Zach sliding around on the tile floor on some type of liquid. I know I haven't dripped water, so I look and what, what's that? Oh, just Jeter peeing on my comforter, stepping in it, jumping down off the bed to pee some more on the carpet and walk it all over the tile in the bathroom. I get that cleaned up, except the comforter because I have no clue how it's going to be cleaned only to discover the damn dog is now vomiting, all over my Pottery Barn dining room rug. Now, I walk in there slowly as to now scare the friggin SHIT Tzu because I learned my lesson last week chasing Zach around as he's throwing up, it only made things worse and my entire living room was christened. I say come on Jeter, calmly (or as calm as I could with that dog) and he then runs to the foyer to vomit some more. WONDERFUL. As I walk him through the living room.....holy heck what is that stinch? I toss Jeter outside, ok I didn't literally toss him, don't want PETA flagging my posts.....I come back in and the baby is whining. Hmmm, stinch found. I pick her up and she's wet. I can handle that. We go to change and Mother Mary it's a blowout. Clothes and all. Bottom wipe, not mine, #2. Well, technically #3 since I did The Silent Assassin twice. Folks. This all happened before 9 am and before coffee.
All I have to say here is that I hope you enjoyed a good laugh at my expense. Because I'm not laughing. And I have now duly noted this so that when I say "babe, momma is going out" I can recall this day and remind him about how well deserved my few hours away will be. I will survive the next 24 hours, I will survive the next 24 hours, I will survive......lather, rinse, repeat.